The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
