Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
