Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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