Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
