I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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