I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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