bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
