Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
