i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
