I have demons in me.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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