I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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