good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
