he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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