i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The best revenge is premature balding
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
