shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
