Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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