I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
