are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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