just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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