Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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