she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
no, he came in my armpit
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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