ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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