Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
