I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
