The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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