Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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