Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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