my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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