you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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