so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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