So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
