I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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