this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
