Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
