bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
