just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
