i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I came so hard my ears popped.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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