I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
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And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
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New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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