I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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