Will you blow on my dice?
ugly people sure do ruin things
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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