Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
