My hair reeks of homosexuality.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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