It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
