And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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