He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
