I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
