He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
