Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
