4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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