So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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