I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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