There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
