I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
When are your genitals available?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
