if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
