I just pynch a tree in the face
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
