Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My penis needs a shock collar
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
