I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
did i just pee glitter
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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